sábado, 1 de junho de 2013

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend

Things are getting weird lately. This is the best year of my life. Lots of great stuff happened and will. But I feel lonely. I don't know where are my true friends and it's pretty hard connect to them right now. Some of them are dating, and then we have this shitty excuse to not have time to see each other. But some I'm just losing. And it's like on purpose. In the other hand I'm getting along with old new friends. Still not feeling right though.

I know for sure all this crappy feelings will vanish eventually. And I'll feel happy again, because I'm blessed with the oportunity of always have a way to get out of this awkward phases. But deep down I am conscious that something will  always be missing. And now I have tears in my eyes as I did when I was sat by myself in Mallu's concert while she sang "Lonely".

When I was a little girl I had this fear and, somehow, a certain that I would be lonely in the future. First of all, because I used to hate everyone and their "stupidity". I changed a lot, but I'm still so lost. Probably for this reason I'm always thinking about getting away. "to love is coming back". I have reasons to never come back.

And this voice in my head saying that I'm not good enough, by choice, to be all what I want to be. I am this crazy lost-in-thoughts girl, always trying to not care. But I do care more and more everyday and it hurts. Although I don't change a thing about what bothers me. I'm a lazy procrastinator. I'm so afraid of failure at the things I can succeed. I'm wasting all the chances of being amazing. I'm wasting all the oportunities to be all that I can be.

I need to be my own best friend, but I don't want to be my only best friend.